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Okay, I'm done adding funnies FOR NOW!!

*MUAHAHAHAHA*

Seriously, I'm gonna play some Neo to earn NPs for all those i've spent lately and then head to sleep *muah*

True Story


Angry Janesville Man Barbecues Slow Modem
Wife Says Man Has History Of Violence With Slow Dial-Up Connections

POSTED: 4:06 p.m. CST November 7, 2002

JANESVILLE, Wis. -- Janesville police responded to a smoke complaint around 1 a.m. Tuesday and found a man barbecuing his computer modem.

The 39-year-old man told police the modem was operating too slowly, and he decided grilling it might make it dial up faster.

The man's wife told police that this wasn't the first time her husband got upset with a slow modem and that he has smashed them or tossed them out the door before.


Police doused the coals with water and told the man's wife to make sure he went to bed.

No one was injured, but police said the modem was a total loss

FUNNY: Science/Engineering-English Handy Translation Table
Culled from a few disparate sources...

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pi**ing in the wind.

EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.

IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.

ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!

LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.

ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.

LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken.

ENHANCED
We've broken it for real this time.

FEATURE
We can't fix the bug so we've documented it and are calling it a "feature".

NEW RELEASE
We're too cheap to beta test our code so we'll sell it to you as a new product and let y'all beta test it for us.


SYNERGY
Management doesn't have a clue as to what this product is or what they are doing, so they're slinging buzzwords like there's no tomorrow. See also PARADIGM, REVOLUTIONARY and OUTSIDE THE BOX.

"High purity...", "Very high purity...", "Extremely high purity...","Super-purity...", "Spectroscopically pure..."
Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the supplier.

"...handled with extreme care during the experiments."
...not dropped on the floor.

"The Sc+ system was chosen as especially suitable to show the predicted behavior..."


"It has long been known"
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident"
These data are practically meaningless.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"
The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown"
This is the prettiest graph.

"These results will be in a subsequent report"
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience"
Once!

"In case after case"
Twice!

"In a series of cases"
Thrice!

"It is believed that"
I think

"It is generally believed that"
A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude"
Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis"
Rumor has it.

"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings"
A wild guess.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data"
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomena occurs"
I don't understand it.

"After additional study by my colleagues"
They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"
Mr. Blotz did the work, and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A highly significant area for exploratory study"
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field."
I quit.

One Crazy Story, but the comments afterwards are priceless

MIAMI (AP) - Green Bay Packers fullback Najeh Davenport agreed Tuesday to docommunity service to settle charges he broke into a university dormitory anddefecated in a sleeping woman's closet.

Details of the player's service were not released during his court appearance. He must sign up for the program by Nov. 12. If he completes the program, a felony charge of second-degree burglary and a misdemeanor count of criminal mischief will be dropped.

STUDENT METAPHORS, SIMILES, AND ANALOGIES FOUND IN HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS

See how many of these you can use in your next presentation...



1. It hurts the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

4. She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword.

5. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

6. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

7. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

8. Her vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever.

9. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots frying in hot grease.

10. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

11. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

12. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

13. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile.

14. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

15. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

16. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

17. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

18. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Voted Women's Favorite Email of the Year


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning,sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the lamb chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."


Don't you just love it?

BILLBOARDS

New billboards are getting attention in Arizona. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included. These are awesome... enjoy.


Tell the kids I love them.
-God


Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God


C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God


What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God


We need to talk.
-God


Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God


Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God


That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God


I love you and you and you and you and...
-God


Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God


Follow me.
-God


Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
-God


My way is the highway.
-God


Need directions?
-God


You think it's hot here?
-God


Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God


Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God


(And my personal favorite...)


Don't make me come down there.
-God

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youth do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.


4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.


5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.


6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"


8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.


9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

[If I'm not mistaken this is from Dave Barry (yes, that Dave Barry).]

COMEBACK LINE OF THE YEAR

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being heretomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

I LOVE This Joke!!!!

Gay Flight Attendant

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle in 1st Class and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking middle eastern woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."

I think i posted this one already, but it's so good, that if i did, it deserves to be here again :p~

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
- by Erma Bombeck

(Written after she found out she was dying from cancer.)

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it ... live it ... and never give it back.

Stop sweating the small stuff.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Let's think about what we are blessed with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually. Life is too short to let it pass you by. We only have one shot at this and then it's gone.
I hope you all have a good day.

~~~~~~~~~
Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.


Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.


Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can't go to school looking like this!)


Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going out anyway.


Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.


Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I am "clean" and goes out anyway.


Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.


Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.


Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.


Age 80 on: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

"Anheuser-Busch announced they are coming out with low-carb beer called "Ultra" which is aimed at the diet-conscious beer drinker. Diet-conscious beer drinker...aren't those called women?"
--Jay Leno

***

I don't buy temporary insanity as a murder defense. Because people kill people. That's and animal instinct. I think breaking into someone's home and ironing all their clothes is temporary insanity.

***

"The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'"
--Roy Blount Jr.

Boeing Unveils Bird of Prey Stealth Technology Demonstrator

comment from a friend . . .
"Unfortunately, all the controls were labeled in Klingon, so the prototype crashed... :-P" ~ J.S.

Wife's bites cause death, police claim
But the Question is . . . Did She Swallow??
(Also from Oct2002)


By Ty Phillips, Bee Staff Writer

Modesto police said Kelli Pratt wanted her feeble 65-year-old husband to have sex with her the night of Oct. 7.

When Arthur Pratt refused, police said, his 45-year-old wife held him down and bit him repeatedly during a savage attack that ultimately killed him.

Arthur, whose skin was riddled with more than 20 deep tooth marks, died Sunday at Doctors Memorial Center in Modesto -- six days after the attack.

Detective Sgt. Al Carter said Wednesday that Dr. Jennifer Rulon, a Stanislaus County forensic pathologist, believes that the case will be ruled a homicide and that the bites are the likely cause of death.

"He was able to dial 911 that night," Carter said. "We have a tape recording of him screaming while she was biting him. When officers arrived, he was screaming that he'd been assaulted. She fought with the officers and tried to bite them, too."

Arthur Pratt, who had been released from a hospital several days before the attack, suffered from diabetes, heart and circulation problems, and other health issues. While those ailments weakened his system, apparently they are not what killed him, Carter said.

An official ruling will have to await toxicology tests. Those tests, which are not expected back for at least several weeks, could reveal additional details about Pratt's death, such as whether the bites caused an infection that proved fatal.

Carter said he believes Pratt already was in a weakened condition and this put him over the edge. "His death was a direct result of being bitten," Carter said.

Kelli Pratt was booked the night of the attack on charges of elder abuse, domestic violence and assault on a police officer, Carter said. Wednesday, she was being held at the Public Safety Center with bail set at $50,000. A homicide charge is pending the toxicology results.

The Pratts lived in the 2700 block of Park Place. Carter said the county's Adult Protective Services had a file on Arthur Pratt, perhaps indicating some history of abuse, but those records were unavailable Wednesday.

"I've seen cases where dogs have bitten kids, and blood loss or infection led to death," Carter said. "I've never heard of anyone being bitten to death before."

Taking Beer Seriously(from Oct2002)
Man hit while chasing half-full beer can across freeway

Police say a man was struck by a truck after he ran across the freeway chasing a partially empty beer can.

ABC13 Eyewitness News
(10/15/02) - A rush hour accident brought traffic to a halt on the Southwest Freeway.

Around 4:30 Tuesday afternoon, a man was struck by a black Chevy truck. The driver stopped to render aid to the victim. Police say the man who was hit was running across the freeway chasing after a partially empty can of beer.

The victim was taken to Memorial Hermann Hospital where he is listed in critical condition. No word if the driver will face any charges.

Aviation Joke

An old Norwegian fighter pilot was invited to speak at an English woman's club luncheon about his flying experiences during WWII.

"Und dere I vas at 4,000 ft... a Fokker in front of me, a Fokker in back of me, a Fokker above me!"

At this point, some of the ladies became nervous about his language. The chairperson lady then said, "Please don't be alarmed, Ladies. A Fokker is a type of German airplane... isn't that right, Mr.Olsen?"

"Yah, yah, dat is right, but these Fokkers vas flyin' Messerschmitts!"

I have decided today to go thru some of my old emails & put some of the funnies up here for my posterity (and to clean out my emails. i mean SHEESH! i must have about a THOUSAND) So have fun and laugh it up :p