I was perfectly fine yesterday. Okay, not fine, but okay. I mean, the best i can be with everything going on around me. Trying not to let the overwhelming stress of life and it's issues weigh me down. So much swirling in my head and around me, sometimes it's hard to breathe.
But i was doing okay.
Today i feel like I've been swallowed whole by a dark cloud of "why go on living". I can't explain it any better than that.
I'm feeling hurt and betrayed by an organization i have tried to help for the last 2 years. And i feel like I've dragged others into my own pit. And i don't know how to fix things.
And, aside from the organization, i feel like I've lost friends. People i thought had my back no matter what. Instead, they've pushed me aside and replaced me with bigger and better.
(Originally written months ago .... accidentally published today)
I haven't been super vocal about this on my blog, but I've been battling depression and anxiety for quite a few years now. It's a dark and ugly fight and it often feels like you're battling alone, even when your friends show undying support and love. The monster that is depression doesn't allow you to believe them. Toss in anxiety and stress and sometimes you turn into a paranoid asshole. The whole world is against you and conspiring to tear you down. Your friends are talking behind your back to each other about how horrible you are and how much they can't stand you.
That's how my most recent attack manifested.
Or sometimes tho you spend days in bed. Unable to move or even do the simplest of things like eat and shower. Not necessarily sleeping your days away, but sometimes, yes. And sometimes just laying there, staring at the ceiling, feeling so completely overwhelmed by everything you think you have to do that you can't even comprehend of a place to start, and consequently you bury your head back under the covers and pray for the world to just stop.
Or sometimes you go through life pretending everything is okay. Turning on the switch that hides your real face from the world. Going through the motions of your everyday life, pretending to the world around you that you're fine and all is great, when all you really wanna do is scream or cry or pack a bag and grab some cash and run away to a private island somewhere.
Or sometimes it may manifest itself in a way I haven't mentioned.
Depression and anxiety don't always go hand in hand. Though it usually does with me.
And depression doesn't necessarily mean sadness.
I thought it did when i was younger. I didn't understand how my older friend V, who was battling depression herself, couldn't just snap herself out of it. Why couldn't she just change her habits or thoughts or way of life to make herself not be depressed? I could. At least i thought so.
I didn't understand the how big of an obstacle depression truly is. Sure you can put on that happy face, but it doesn't solve anything. In fact, oftentimes it makes it worse. And even tho you pretend things are okay, the slightest thing can set you off and that depression manifests itself by becoming ugly anger and jealousy and hatred.
I didn't think i suffered from this monster when i was younger, but in retrospect i know i did. I just didn't understand. I called it being "anti social" and i remember my close friends telling me how they had to "walk on eggshells" around me. (Which pissed me off immensely). It's just recent years that i discovered that there was a name and a reason for the way i would feel.
It's more frequent now than it ever was, but I'm taking steps to win this war. I've recently changed my medication and am better in a way i haven't seen myself in years. The next step is obviously talking to a professional about things, but that had to wait until our financial situation is better. Even with insurance it's still kind of a luxury expense.
But in the meantime i have a support system around me that is amazing and no matter how much I've succumbed to the beast that is depression, they refuse to leave me to my own defenses.
Number one is my husband. And for that i am forever thankful to the universe for bringing us together. Without his understanding i don't think i would be at this point in my life.
That's not to discount my friends in any way. As a matter of fact, it's kind of a tie. That includes those i haven't even met irl, but are still so important to me. They lift me up in ways they don't even know. Without them, i couldn't be this strong.
i have missed you so much! how are you doing? i am so sorry I've been away for so long, but i promise i won't let it happen again. my brain needs more of an outlet than a status update or 140 characters can allow. please forgive me. i still love you.
I have all these things in my head lately since I actually have time on my hands. WCT's Production of Rocky Horror was very successful. and I am very lucky to have been able to commit so much time and energy to it, thanks to my husband Being so supportive and my friends putting up with my crazy ass.
during the show rehearsals etc, I said something to my mom during a phone call. I said that everyone has a story. And it's true. everyone experiences everything differently. we all have a unique perspective on happenings in our life. and in this day and age of social connectivity, we should share those perspectives. maybe it would help everyone to understand everyone else.
or at least it could be a start.
anyway, I want to share my voice. again. I want to start to tell my story. past, present, and future.
with a smattering of TV, movies, books, Abs tasteless jokes.