The Gender Genie
This was put up in my purkle couch group. So i went there and typed in this:
We went to see a movie last night. Matrix Revolutions. It was pretty good. Definitely have to see it again in conjunction with the 2nd Matrix movie. Perhaps when it comes out on DVD I'll just have a whole Matrix night. I already want to do that with Lord of the Rings. I want to rent the first 2 (since i can't go to that special all day thing they have in Southfield Star Theatre) and then go and see the 3rd one when I'm done. Joel and his brother Jason got lucky and got tickets for that, but way up in Flint. Honestly, I want to do that as much as the next person, but I don't think i want to have to drive all the way up to Flint. I am jealous tho. Lucky bugger. Oh well. My makeshift thing will have to do. PLUS, I can sit at home and smoke and drink and pause and everything. In the end perhaps my way is better :p~
And I got this:
Words: 168
(NOTE: The genie works best on texts of more than 500 words.)
Female Score: 236
Male Score: 298
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!
LOL!
11/12/03
Joe R. Lansdale, Totally Free Stories
Yeah, I know, Doc. I look terrible and don’t smell any better. But you would, too, if you stayed on the go like I do, had a peg sticking out of either side of your neck and this crazy scar across the forehead. You’d think they might have told me to use cocoa butter on the place, after they took the stitches out, but naw, no way. They didn’t care if I had a face like a train track. No meat off their nose.
And how about this gettup? Nice, huh? Early wino or late drug addict. You ought to walk down the street wearing this mess, you really get the stares. Coat’s too small, pants too short. And these boots, now they get the blue ribbon. You know, I’m only six-five, but with these on I’m nearly seven feet! That’s some heels, Doc.
But listen, how can I do any better? I can’t even afford to buy myself a tie at the Goodwill, let alone get myself a new suit of clothes. And have you ever tried to fit someone my size? This shoulder is higher than the other one. The arms don’t quite match, and–well, you see the problem. I tell you, Doc, it’s no bed of roses.
Worst part of it is how people are always running from me, and throwing things, and trying to set me on fire. Oh, that’s the classic one. I mean, I’ve been frozen for a while, covered in mud, you name it, but the old favorite is the torch. And I hate fire … Which reminds me, think you could refrain from smoking, Doc? Sort of makes me nervous.
See, I was saying about the fire. They’ve trapped me in windmills, castles, and labs. All sorts of places. Some guy out there in the crowd always gets the wise idea about the fire, and there we go again–Barbecue City. Let me tell you, Doc, I’ve been lucky. Spell that L-U-C-K-Y. We’re talking a big lucky here. I mean, that’s one reason I look as bad as I do. These holes in this already ragged suit… Yeah, that’s right, bend over. Right there, see? This patch of hide was burned right off my head, Doc–and it didn’t feel like no sunburn either. I mean it hurt.
And I’ve got no childhood. Just a big dumb boy all my life. No dates. No friends. Nothing. Just this personality complex, and this feeling that everybody hates me on sight.
If I ever get my hands on that Victor, or Igor, oh boy, gonna have to snap ‘em, Doc. And I can do it, believe me. That’s where they crapped in the mess kit, Doc. They made me strong. Real strong.
Give me a dime. Yeah, thanks.
Now watch this. Between thumb and finger … Uhhhh. How about that? Flat as a pancake.
Yeah, you’re right, I’m getting a little excited. I’ll lay back and take it easy… Say, do you smell smoke? Doc?
Doc?
Doc, damn you, put out that fire! Not you, too? Hey, I’m not a bad guy, really. Come back here, Doc! Don’t leave me in here. Don’t lock that door …
"Personality Problem" was originally published in 1992 in Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone Magazine. It was later included in the Lansdale short story collection, A Fist Full of Stories, published by CD Publications. "Personality Problem" © 1992 Joe R. Lansdale.
PERSONALITY PROBLEM
Yeah, I know, Doc. I look terrible and don’t smell any better. But you would, too, if you stayed on the go like I do, had a peg sticking out of either side of your neck and this crazy scar across the forehead. You’d think they might have told me to use cocoa butter on the place, after they took the stitches out, but naw, no way. They didn’t care if I had a face like a train track. No meat off their nose.
And how about this gettup? Nice, huh? Early wino or late drug addict. You ought to walk down the street wearing this mess, you really get the stares. Coat’s too small, pants too short. And these boots, now they get the blue ribbon. You know, I’m only six-five, but with these on I’m nearly seven feet! That’s some heels, Doc.
But listen, how can I do any better? I can’t even afford to buy myself a tie at the Goodwill, let alone get myself a new suit of clothes. And have you ever tried to fit someone my size? This shoulder is higher than the other one. The arms don’t quite match, and–well, you see the problem. I tell you, Doc, it’s no bed of roses.
Worst part of it is how people are always running from me, and throwing things, and trying to set me on fire. Oh, that’s the classic one. I mean, I’ve been frozen for a while, covered in mud, you name it, but the old favorite is the torch. And I hate fire … Which reminds me, think you could refrain from smoking, Doc? Sort of makes me nervous.
See, I was saying about the fire. They’ve trapped me in windmills, castles, and labs. All sorts of places. Some guy out there in the crowd always gets the wise idea about the fire, and there we go again–Barbecue City. Let me tell you, Doc, I’ve been lucky. Spell that L-U-C-K-Y. We’re talking a big lucky here. I mean, that’s one reason I look as bad as I do. These holes in this already ragged suit… Yeah, that’s right, bend over. Right there, see? This patch of hide was burned right off my head, Doc–and it didn’t feel like no sunburn either. I mean it hurt.
And I’ve got no childhood. Just a big dumb boy all my life. No dates. No friends. Nothing. Just this personality complex, and this feeling that everybody hates me on sight.
If I ever get my hands on that Victor, or Igor, oh boy, gonna have to snap ‘em, Doc. And I can do it, believe me. That’s where they crapped in the mess kit, Doc. They made me strong. Real strong.
Give me a dime. Yeah, thanks.
Now watch this. Between thumb and finger … Uhhhh. How about that? Flat as a pancake.
Yeah, you’re right, I’m getting a little excited. I’ll lay back and take it easy… Say, do you smell smoke? Doc?
Doc?
Doc, damn you, put out that fire! Not you, too? Hey, I’m not a bad guy, really. Come back here, Doc! Don’t leave me in here. Don’t lock that door …
"Personality Problem" was originally published in 1992 in Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone Magazine. It was later included in the Lansdale short story collection, A Fist Full of Stories, published by CD Publications. "Personality Problem" © 1992 Joe R. Lansdale.
Had a great night last night! We did a fundraiser benefit thing for this officer Chris Garon .... well he's no longer an officer actually ... story here ..... my step dad heard the story on the radio and told my mom they needed to do something about it and she co-ordinated this benefit for him. Even got him an autographed Charles Rogers Lions Jersey from the Lions organization donated for our raffle .... which Chris ended up keeping. I really wanted that :p~
Anyway, we had a 50/50 raffle and some items to raffle off ... they charged 10$ at the door which included a spaghetti dinner (which was fabulous!) and Chris showed up with his mom for awhile. It was 3 different area bands, of which my step dad mark is in one. They all donated their time and some donated items. There were also a couple of commedians that appear there Sunday evenings occassionally. (the place is the Crystal Lounge on Beech daly and Joy road) ... so i sold the item raffle tickets and my mom sold the 50/50 tickets. In the end we won a couple of things ourself, which was kinda cool since we bought almost 30 bucks in tickets to get things rolling :p~ .... And we went there today to present Chris with his check ( he nor his friend showed up, we're going to mail it to him) and George (one of the owners) told us that 2100$ were raised! \:D/
so i feel good today. We did a good thing AND we had fun! And i'm proud of my mom ... and mark i guess .... people kept asking how we knew Chris and the truth is we didn't. Like i said they heard the story and wanted to help. So they did. Lots of people gave us kudos and i have to send all mine over to my mom. She rocks!
okay time to go to sleep! *hugs*
Anyway, we had a 50/50 raffle and some items to raffle off ... they charged 10$ at the door which included a spaghetti dinner (which was fabulous!) and Chris showed up with his mom for awhile. It was 3 different area bands, of which my step dad mark is in one. They all donated their time and some donated items. There were also a couple of commedians that appear there Sunday evenings occassionally. (the place is the Crystal Lounge on Beech daly and Joy road) ... so i sold the item raffle tickets and my mom sold the 50/50 tickets. In the end we won a couple of things ourself, which was kinda cool since we bought almost 30 bucks in tickets to get things rolling :p~ .... And we went there today to present Chris with his check ( he nor his friend showed up, we're going to mail it to him) and George (one of the owners) told us that 2100$ were raised! \:D/
so i feel good today. We did a good thing AND we had fun! And i'm proud of my mom ... and mark i guess .... people kept asking how we knew Chris and the truth is we didn't. Like i said they heard the story and wanted to help. So they did. Lots of people gave us kudos and i have to send all mine over to my mom. She rocks!
okay time to go to sleep! *hugs*
OMG! there's this one girl in one of my Yahoo groups that SO needs a blog!!!! Everyone of her posts are like 10 miles long! I don't really give a rat's ass if her MIL is sick or her dog ate a flea or her daughter got a new barbie doll. Give me a Break!!!! The group is about one thing and one thing only ... talk about that! Yeah, we go offtopic often, i won't deny that, but SHEESH! EVERYTIME? *rolls eyes*
Okay *whew* i feel much better now. At least until the next post! :p~
Okay *whew* i feel much better now. At least until the next post! :p~
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