Just reminiscing ...

I pulled out some old journals last night. I've kept a journal in some shape or form since around 1986. Someday I'll transcribe a few of them online so others can get a chuckle out of what an airhead I was back then.

But this one journal I pulled out had me madly in love with this one boy. He was in a few of my classes and we were in the percussion section together as well. I really forgot how much I like him. Well, okay, not really....but I forgot the way I was around him.

I was a complete dork. I had no clue on relationships or dating or any of that when I was younger. I never even kissed a boy until college. My big daydreams were of holding hands and maybe slow dancing together. I didn't know what making out was until college.

Which was a good thing I suppose. I used to spend alot of time alone with this boy at his house. Never doing more than listening to music or talking. At one point in my journal my mom forbid me to go over there anymore and asked me if I was romantically involved with him. I got a laugh out of that. ummmm...no! (really my mom had no clue how good she had it when I was younger...my biggest vice was Rocky Horror on a Saturday night and then going to Ram's Horn or Denny's afterwards ... I never drank or smoked or went on dates or even kissed a boy ... oh! the other vice was stealing chicken and going to southland for Mrs. Field's cookies)

This boy was amazing to me in every way. He was cute, talented, down to earth. We kinda ran in different circles. No...we REALLY ran in different circles. Outside of the band thing, we really didn't have friends in common. I was such a goody-two-shoes in high school. Still under the thumb of the Jehovah's Witnesses for quite awhile. And he .... wasn't. He wasn't a troublemaker ... but he wasn't golden either.

I always say I have no regrets about the past...and I don't. Everything I have been thru has led me to the place I am right now. And I love my life right now. There are small things I would change (lose some weight...finish getting my teeth fixed) but all in all everything is absolutely perfect the way it is.

But .... sometimes ...especially after reading my journal ... I wonder if I couldn't have been a little bit different growing up. Less stuck in books and writing about how much I liked this boy and more actually doing something about it. Because as I read this journal last night, I saw not only him, but other boy opportunities slipping away from me and I was too naive to do anything about it.

I still crush on this boy. My heart does flip flops when I remember him. I prolly always will. There are a few in my past that do that to me. Someday I'll be brave enough to write down their names. (man I had crushes on everyone when I was younger) But this boy brings back the fondest memories. I really dug him and I'm kinda sorry I never did anything about it.

Soap Operas

I'm a dork and I watch Soaps pretty much every day. All my Children...One Life to Live...general Hospital...I watch them all.

Currently there's a storyline on AMC about Erika Kane. that she went in for an abortion and the doctor took the embryo w/o her knowledge and implanted it in his wife and raised the kid as his own. Well....it just came out and the kid is struggling with his identity now.

I wasn't kidnapped as an embryo. But I was lied to for agood portion of my life. My mom told me a certain man was my father...but he wasn't. It was another man. Around 12 I found out who my biological father was. We had a short relationship. During that time i also met my half sister Roxie and half brother billy. I was excited. I had more family. Then...we stoppped talking. prolly had more to do with my mom's relationship with him than me, but I lost my biological father.

Around 16 my mom told me she wanted to name me different than what I was. I had always thought I deserved a different name. We went to my biological dad (who was a lawyer) and had him change my name from Jennifer to Jazmyn for minimal costs.

He had a brief relationship with me when he found out I went to Yale. I believe he gave me $50 towards books.

Years later I met him again when I was dancing in topless bars in Detroit. He came up to the bar I was working at cuz he heard about me working there. I talked to him. He told me horrible things (true or not I don't care) about my mom and my Uncle. I told him to fuck off. He asked me if I needed money (which I did...I was working in a strip club) I said yeah..he threw me a $50 and said "i thought so" and walked out" I hated him for that.

I didn't see him again until around 2000. Rouge days. I went with my then fiance (now hubby) and a friend of mine Sorcsia. I saw my father. I said hi but he didn't recognze me. I told Kevin. He went over and told him that he( kevin) was dating his daughter Jazmyn. He (Rick) said he didn't have a daughter named Jazmyn. When kevin told me this I almost had a breakdown.

Kevin then went over and talked to him and eventually Rick admitted he knew me. I went over and met his family..including re-meeting my half sister Roxie...it was golden.

I had promises of getting to know my family and everything...it never happened.

I have my mom and my sister and my brother and that's what I tell myself I only need. But I lie.

I need my real father to love me.

I love my dad and my step mom and my adopted family more than anything....but I need my real dad to show that he loves me. I need my other half brothers and sister to know about me.

Why do we need our parents' love?

So now I see this storyline on AMC and I remember the pain I feel because my father doesn't love me enough to even acknowledge I'm alive. And I don't understand why.

I almost invited him to my wedding...except I didn't want to disrespect my dad ... the man my mom married when she was pregnant with me...the man that raised me as his own.

I wish my father loved me. I wish he accepted me as his.

I'm sorry I'm not coherent. I need to go to sleep.