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the friday five

1. Would you consider yourself an organized person? Why or why not?
I am probably the LEAST organized person you will ever meet ... except for once a month when i TRY ...but it eventually fails.

2. Do you keep some type of planner, organizer, calendar, etc. with you, and do you use it regularly?

I used to in college. Not anymore ... altho i really want to get a PDA or something ... but that's just mostly so when i make plans with people i remember (since sometimes i'm not entirely "awake" when i do that) and i have a place to put all my phone numbers

3. Would you say that your desk is organized right now?

Right now> yeah. yesterday? ... a week from now?? HECK NO!!!

4. Do you alphabetize CDs, books, and DVDs, or does it not matter?

I used to alphabetize my Cds ... used to. Now it doesn't matter. I can usually find what i'm looking for. I think when we get a more permanent place with more permanent decor i'll be more organized (*crosses fingers*)

5. What's the hardest thing you've ever had to organize?

When i worked for Wyandotte Online and i had to organize and then re-organize their filing system. It was a mess. We tried filing things one way and putting them in a database .... didn't work. tried another way ... didn't work. it was a nightmare. that was half my job there was filing and organizing things. I miss that job ... but definitely NOT because of THAT!!!

ummm .... okay

So every once in awhile i like to drive by my old boyfriend's house. I don't know why. Perhaps I'm a stalker at heart. So anyway ... i usually drive by about once a month. His same blue truck is usually parked out front. And i wonder sometimes to myself what my life would be like if we had stayed together. Not that i had any choice in the matter. He dumped me. We got along GREAT as friends ... but i wasn't his type for a girlfriend ... try as he might ... and he dumped me. I was heartbroken. And when i drive by i sometimes see the light in his darkroom and wonder what beautiful pictures he's taken lately ... or see his blue truck and remember when he bought it. I still miss his old Jeep. So i drove by today on my way to pick Kevin up from work. And i see his truck MOVING in front of the house. And my first instinct is to freak out! Then i realize "he doesn't know my (Kevin's) car!! i can safely do a drive-by" and so i do. And i catch a glimpse of his face in the side view mirror as i pass and my eyes start to well up with tears and my heart starts to break again. Because i LOVE Kevin ... don't get me wrong! But sometimes late at night (or early morning) i lay in bed and i wonder what my life would have been like with him. Where would i be. What would i be? Would i be happy?

He was very different from Kevin. VERY different. I met him online about 8 years ago. We started chatting and we soon realized that we had many people in common. He was "taken in" many years ago by a family here in my home town and "helped raise" the children. He was essentially their father figure. And these were kids I went to school with. Very intelligent kids i might add. So there was an almost immediate trust and bond there. It was nice. We started meeting and going out occassionally. He wasn't much for crowds of people ... whereas I don't neccessarily LOVE crowds ... but i do like to be the center of attention. He wasn't a drinker. 1 fuzzy navel was enough for him. And i could just about drink any man under the table and was oh-so proud of it. He was a prison guard. i know ... a prison guard! He was around 6ft2 and 210 or so. He had gorgeous strawberry blonde hair. Kinda looked like an all-american version of Shaq (if you can imagine that). He was ... in my eyes ... perfect. I loved him so much and i wanted him to love me just as much. But, I am demanding in a relationship. I crave affections and attention. I would get moody if i didn't hear from him at least once a day. It didn't have to be much. an email. a voice mail. a phone call. But i started to hear from him less and less. And one day he took me out on his boat and broke my heart.

Now we never were physical, altho i was terribly attracted to him, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise. But i still think about it. He said that he wasn't "in love" with me and i just wasn't his "type" Basically it boiled down to my body type really. Now ... I know I'm a bigger girl. I KNOW this! I'm not ashamed of it. It's something i am constantly struggling with. Do I want to accept my body as it is? Or do i want to start sculpting it to match my fantasy version of me? But I've never felt unattractive in my body.

I felt unattractive that day. I didn't know what to do. There was nothing i could do to change him or his attraction to me, he made that painfully clear. And did i really want to change myself anyway? I mean ... for a MAN? Again, would I have been happy?

So we tried to be friends for awhile, but then we just eventually lost contact with each other.

So every once in awhile i drive by his house and remember and sometimes wish i could see him again. And today I got that wish and i froze. And i sit here now and as i read over what I have typed I wonder WHY I'm even pining over this guy ... yet I do. Not so much as to ever leave what perfect relationship I have with Kevin ... but enough to probably dream about it tonight. *hugs*