Hello I'm crazy

I haven't been super vocal about this on my blog,  but I've been battling depression and anxiety for quite a few years now.  It's a dark and ugly fight and it often feels like you're battling alone,  even when your friends show undying support and love.  The monster that is depression doesn't allow you to believe them.  Toss in anxiety and stress and sometimes you turn into a paranoid asshole. The whole world is against you and conspiring to tear you down.  Your friends are talking behind your back to each other about how horrible you are and how much they can't stand you.

That's how my most recent attack manifested.

Or sometimes tho you spend days in bed.  Unable to move or even do the simplest of things like eat and shower. Not necessarily sleeping your days away,  but sometimes, yes.  And sometimes just laying there,  staring at the ceiling,  feeling so completely overwhelmed by everything you think you have to do that you can't even comprehend of a place to start, and consequently you bury your head back under the covers and pray for the world to just stop.

Or sometimes you go through life pretending everything is okay.  Turning on the switch that hides your real face from the world.  Going through the motions of your everyday life,  pretending to the world around you that you're fine and all is great,  when all you really wanna do is scream or cry or pack a bag and grab some cash and run away to a private island somewhere.

Or sometimes it may manifest itself in a way I  haven't mentioned.

Depression and anxiety don't always go hand in hand.  Though it usually does with me.

And depression doesn't necessarily mean sadness. 

I thought it did when i was younger.  I didn't understand how my older friend V, who was battling depression herself, couldn't just snap herself out of it. Why couldn't she just change her habits or thoughts or way of life to make herself not be depressed?  I could.  At least i thought so.

I didn't understand the how big of an obstacle depression truly is.  Sure you can put on that happy face,  but it doesn't solve anything.  In fact,  oftentimes it makes it worse.  And even tho you pretend things are okay,  the slightest thing can set you off and that depression manifests itself by becoming ugly anger and jealousy and hatred.

I didn't think i suffered from this monster when i was younger, but in retrospect i know i did.  I just didn't understand.  I called it being "anti social" and i remember my close friends telling me how they had to "walk on eggshells" around me.  (Which pissed me off immensely). It's just recent years that i discovered that there was a name and a reason for the way i would feel. 

It's more frequent now than it ever was,  but I'm taking steps to win this war.  I've recently changed my medication and am better in a way i haven't seen myself in years.  The next step is obviously talking to a professional about things,  but that had to wait until our financial situation is better.  Even with insurance it's still kind of a luxury expense.

But in the meantime i have a support system around me that is amazing and no matter how much I've succumbed to the beast that is depression,  they refuse to leave me to my own defenses. 

Number one is my husband. And for that i am forever thankful to the universe for bringing us together.  Without his understanding i don't think i would be at this point in my life.

That's not to discount my friends in any way.  As a matter of fact,  it's kind of a tie.  That includes those i haven't even met irl, but are still so important to me.  They lift me up in ways they don't even know. Without them,  i couldn't be this strong.



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