Soap Operas

I'm a dork and I watch Soaps pretty much every day. All my Children...One Life to Live...general Hospital...I watch them all.

Currently there's a storyline on AMC about Erika Kane. that she went in for an abortion and the doctor took the embryo w/o her knowledge and implanted it in his wife and raised the kid as his own. Well....it just came out and the kid is struggling with his identity now.

I wasn't kidnapped as an embryo. But I was lied to for agood portion of my life. My mom told me a certain man was my father...but he wasn't. It was another man. Around 12 I found out who my biological father was. We had a short relationship. During that time i also met my half sister Roxie and half brother billy. I was excited. I had more family. Then...we stoppped talking. prolly had more to do with my mom's relationship with him than me, but I lost my biological father.

Around 16 my mom told me she wanted to name me different than what I was. I had always thought I deserved a different name. We went to my biological dad (who was a lawyer) and had him change my name from Jennifer to Jazmyn for minimal costs.

He had a brief relationship with me when he found out I went to Yale. I believe he gave me $50 towards books.

Years later I met him again when I was dancing in topless bars in Detroit. He came up to the bar I was working at cuz he heard about me working there. I talked to him. He told me horrible things (true or not I don't care) about my mom and my Uncle. I told him to fuck off. He asked me if I needed money (which I did...I was working in a strip club) I said yeah..he threw me a $50 and said "i thought so" and walked out" I hated him for that.

I didn't see him again until around 2000. Rouge days. I went with my then fiance (now hubby) and a friend of mine Sorcsia. I saw my father. I said hi but he didn't recognze me. I told Kevin. He went over and told him that he( kevin) was dating his daughter Jazmyn. He (Rick) said he didn't have a daughter named Jazmyn. When kevin told me this I almost had a breakdown.

Kevin then went over and talked to him and eventually Rick admitted he knew me. I went over and met his family..including re-meeting my half sister Roxie...it was golden.

I had promises of getting to know my family and everything...it never happened.

I have my mom and my sister and my brother and that's what I tell myself I only need. But I lie.

I need my real father to love me.

I love my dad and my step mom and my adopted family more than anything....but I need my real dad to show that he loves me. I need my other half brothers and sister to know about me.

Why do we need our parents' love?

So now I see this storyline on AMC and I remember the pain I feel because my father doesn't love me enough to even acknowledge I'm alive. And I don't understand why.

I almost invited him to my wedding...except I didn't want to disrespect my dad ... the man my mom married when she was pregnant with me...the man that raised me as his own.

I wish my father loved me. I wish he accepted me as his.

I'm sorry I'm not coherent. I need to go to sleep.