Flavour from the Holidays

courtesy of Connie



I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism
and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when
the food police come out with their wagging fingers and
annual tips on how to get through the holidays without
gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine
without finding a list of holiday Dos and Don'ts.
Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces and
cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable
sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood
memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so.
Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for
Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I
assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy.
So what if you don't make if to New Year's? Your pants
don't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who
puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of
the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like
fine single-malt Scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer
than single-malt Scotch. You can't find it any other time
of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has
10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going
to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you
think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the
whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.
Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with Gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.


4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made
with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why
bother? It's like buying a sports car with automatic
transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating. The whole point of going
to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for
free. A lot of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise
between Christmas and New Year's. You can do that
in January when you have nothing else to do. This is
the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling
the buffet table carrying a 10-pound plate of food and
that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and
size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't
budge. Have as many as you can before becoming
the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going
to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a
slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two
apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else
do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded
with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it all
cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you
leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't
been paying attention.

Re-read tips.

Start over.

But hurry! Cookie-less January is just around the corner