My First Post

This is my first day with an online blog. I'm a little nervous, but hopefully this will be a good thing ;) Today I was just the biggest JERK i could have ever been in the whole wide world. I just told my cousin, who is one of my dearest friends, that i didn't give a crap about our grandmother passing away & that our grandfather was, basically, a dickhead. (pardon my language) you know . . . i don't mean to sound so callous. It's just that he comes over to the house spouting that he knows our grandparents SOOOO well . . . and it shouldn't bother me, but it does. I mean, here i am the eldest grandchild in the bunch & all the crap i had to deal with in my whole life. Even now. and i hear these stories from him about all the money my grandparents spent on him & his sister & frankly, i get jealous. so jealous i could scream. I have worked my fingers to the bone my entire life. I had to quit college because i couldn't afford it anymore. i spent 3 days in county jail because we couldn't come up with the money right away & had to wait for Kevin's check. Yet, here my grandfather gives my cousin almost $50,000 for his legal defense. I feel like sometimes my cousin lauds it over me cuz i don't see my grandfather all the time & He lives with him now (since my grandmother passed away). He may not be, but it feels that way. and what am i supposed to do? NOt be the jerk i was today, that's for sure. I need counselling so i can learn to talk to my family and tell them how i feel. Instead of running off at the mouth and being a jerk at every opportunity.
Perhaps i need to give you a littel info about myself before going any further. My name is Jazmyn & i'm 29 years old. I'm the eldest of 3 children & also the eldest of 7 grandchildren. My grandparents (on my mother's side) are Juanita Rios Gutierrez (recently deceased) & Jose Angel Gutierrez. They had 3 children: Jose Angel Gutierrez II (father to Jose Angel Gutierrez III & Angela Dream Gutierrez), Velida Gutierrez Smith (mother to me, Jazmyn Jenimari Kemper, my brother Marion Robert Kemper III, & my sister Velisia Anne Kemper) & Arcelia Ashley (mom to Adam Ashley & Alisia Ashley). On my dad's side, i don't know anyone really. His name is Richard Banta & he & my mom were never married. I met him my first time when i was 12 or so i think.
I feel so bad about going off on my cousin. I didn't mean to. I just hate when he makes me feel like such a bad grandkid. And maybe i was. I didn't go see them alot & didn't call them on the phone often. But why do this to me now? Why make me look & feel inferior? To make YOU feel better?
Anyway, the sun is rising, so i need to go to sleep. I'm sure no-one will read this, but if you do, Blessed Be!! & Sweet Dreams!!!